I wish this would stop

Well things have been going pretty good. I've started talking to someone I thougth I'd never talk to and honestly, she's pretty cool. Although, I'm waiting for that side of her everyone seems to be grrr with. So, until I see that, I can't say much... I'm not judging based on other peoples opinions. I'd like to make my own. I just hope its not as bad as everyone seems to be dead set on.

So... I'm totally confused about this one person... all signs SEEM to be pointing to something very good but, I can't help but doubt it. To anyone else it would be extremely ovi. but... I really don't want to get my hopes up just to get crushed as that seems to happen pretty much.... no, every time. I'd just like to know who "her" is. At this point, I have a good guess, but, I'm not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing yet...

I lost the game. =)

I found my new love. Bring me the horizon. unfortunatly, I was unable to see them this valentines day. Instead I got to sit there and watch two wonderfully happy couples be attached at the hip... can you say hell? It happened to hurt in fact. I thank god that bree and david aren't all "don't let me go! Hug me! Hold me! Kiss me! Rub it in everyones face! Shove it down there throats! Let everyone and their fucking mothers know we love eachother!!!!" ... sorry.. got a little carried away there. unfortunalty, I can't speak for every other couple at my school. PDA.. not for it. In my opinion, extremely disrespectful. I mean, theres a difference between just simply holding hands and practically being on top of eachother sucking face. Theres a HUGE difference. I just wish people would realize that no one wants to see them kiss, horribly I might add, I mean god, can you say sloppy? ew.

oh yea.. as of tomorrow, I will be an aunt to a certain Isabella Beatriz Campbell. Love that combo don't you? haha... NO SCHOOL FOR ME! San deigo... here I come.

-Ana

haven't been on here in awhile...

Lots of new things. Some of which I'm not to happy about.

• Despite popular belief, it has nothing to do with lyssa (lyssa, your probably reading this... I'm tired of saying her and all that crap. done with that. =) Nothing bad anyways.) I'm just not to keen on the idea of everyone become BEST Friends as some of... well, one particularlly large nosed emo kid (breathe people, he happens to be a.. brotherlike friend of mine) who is WAY to nice wants it to be. I have no problem what so ever with hanging out with them, even jessica I can handle, although.. that may end badly but... DAMKAB has had a conversation about this before and it goes against eveerything we've EVER said if we let everyone in. Not saying that hanging out is bad... its just.. the DAMAKB has been through so much stuff together, we all know everything about eachother, we've all cried in front of eachother, we all have held eachother while we're crying. and that bond took almost a year to get to this point. As explained before... DAMKAB is like your brothers and sisters.. JAS (?) is like the extremly close cousins that you could trust with your life but never quit as much as your brothers and sisters.. you know... I'm hoping that doesn't sound bitchy because I'm not trying to be at all. Thats just how... all of us except on large nosed kid and tall one feel, just no one will say.  

• French... Daniel.. Now explain to me why in the hell he has absolutly no problem what so ever talking to me in french, even flirting a fuck of a lot yet chooses to ignore me outside of class... ? Ene admitted to still likeing me a little about 2 weeks ago. And he still insists on telling me alll about the girls he's "gonna get with" Bullshit... I know it is... better yet, explain to me why I care.

• Dad lost his job, moms pissed a lot now, aliicas locked in her room, cats having her baby within the next 1-2 weeks.

• I have many theories about heaven and hell, and I don't think being cathoic is a choice I'm going to stick with.. organized religion.... not for me. Now.. exlainign this to my mother, a task all its own.

Thats about it...

Again... Lyssa, please don't take this personally.

-Ana

That smile on your face always left me wondering. Although, I should know by now, your bad news. And you've never looked so good. Your a lush and I hate. And all I need to know, is there something I've been missing? Maybe I should hate you for this?

Twilight... Eh... I was a bit disappointed.. I wanted more though! It just ended.... =O tres mal. (hehe... french!) 

*sighs*... So I found that he's depressed. The question is why? He has what he wanted...I would think that he'd be happier then ever right now.  I feel more guilty then ever. I apologize constantly to him. Then again, he could slit my throat and with my last breath I'd apologize for bleeding on his shirt. He always says the same thing, "Its not your fault." But I can't help but think it is. I know it isn't all my fault. First holidays after a family death. My family wasn't much better. They're taking it badly... They are not in a good place right now in any means. Fucking Connie.... I don't even know her but I hate her for putting him and his family through that. How can anyone be so... i don't even know the word for that type of behavior. She made a big mistake... shes going to be misrable... I'm willing to bet that she'll end up killing herself by new years. She's already said she's tried...

..hmmm....

J'ai faim. Je voudrais un sandwich. S'il te plait.

I'm in an unusally good mood tonight... Although I have a lot of homework, I've been on the computer for 2 hours messing with daniels ipod and putting new songs on mine and putting good songs on his cause when we trade in french... he has nothing really good besides chiodos. I finally have matt costa on my ipod!!!!!!!!

klapgmweopgja.... I'm really happy right now!!!!! I really don't know why!!! But I am!!! =) No really a bad thing, just werid... haha

-Ana

Fake it like you matter thats a lie we can both keep, OHHHH!!!

Hehehe..Chance did say he'd kick his ass for me. BUT, death is never an option, injury, maybe, thats a BIG maybe but chance would probably kill the pathetic biotch... haha... god I love being.. me!

In other news... I wanna get my ipod home, dock, shit. lol... its co weird useing lol. I swore I'd never use it... but its easier the haha... by one letter?!?! Yea I know... Remeber this is ana yo! shut it!

=)

I LOVE YOU!!!! idk... just felt like stated that. now guess who I'm talking about. =) Lifes a guessing game right?

-Ana

It hurts in the worst way now that your gone... it sooo wrong.

Wow.. I feel like I don't even talk to him anymore. Hes not answering my phone calls. I don't get those random calls at 10 anymore. Hes never online. THe only time I'm ever really with him is at lunch. Hes never there after school. And then the one time I talk to him, he says something stupid amd expects me to be ok with that? I was terrifyed that this was gonna happen. Become another... ex-best friend whos name I shall not mention. We promised eachother that would never happen and I promised I'd never leave... but I think I already did... I won't lie... I miss the kid. BUT theres nothing I can do... If he wants to forget about us. He can. Cause its like this with all of us now... 

-Ana

One day... Are you serious. I know I said I was fine with it but the more I think about it the more it bothers me. I was hoping to give it a chance before shooting it down so fast... But then again. I should have known better. Everytime I'm actaully happy or at least content, something happens to mess it up. Everytime. I guess its just my luck. Or lack of. I should just get use to the disappointment. But ugh... I just don't understand why the fuck he would say yes in the first place if he left like that. Well... I guess theres nothing I can do. Although. I could have fun with this... Make him regret it? Hmm... I don't know if he's worth it. I mean... its daniel. What the hell did I expect. Ha... Although it makes me a bt upset to think about I still find it a bit amusing... Yea know what... Making him regret it sounds pretty fun! =) I'm evil. I will say this, it did up my self confidence.. on a scale from 1-100 it went from 0 to.. 20? I mean... his ex. was sooo pretty. look at me. not so much. Nothing in comparision to her.

In other news... I'm getting my hair cut wednesday.. I'm going to get it thinned out and hopefully my mom won't notice because she will be pissed off at me. I have purple extentions. that I plan on putting in. and I think I'm gonna go buy little kid hair bow/clips and start wearing them. I like how it looks!

Tuesday will be fun. I feel like I haven;t actually hung out with miles lately.. He's been M.I.A. at school and when he was here he didn't go to the tree after school like usual. ? Hm... I'm gonna bring up X103.9s x-mas concert thingy and see if he along with.. probably the whole crew (haha.. yes, they are me crew!) wanna go... I wanna see ludo!!! and ... idk what other bands are playing.

-Ana

=)

Today was... really good! I never would have thought! *sighs* I'm actually happy... thats a shocker! =) I can't stop smiling!!! Its awesome!!!

=)

-Ana

Like the brightest star you shine through!

Woah... I just found some stuff out. WOAH. That was a shocker... I mean... she... he... I thought she... hated him. and now.... and since 7th grade? and he went out her friend like 5 times in one year....   she just sat there, and said nothing. it makes so much since. but.. woah. I honestly never thought that would ever happen. No wonder she  acts all weird. No wonder every time I called her, which was a lot, in a frantic panic she knew exaclty what to say to calm me down. No wonder she got all awkward when we teased them about flirting... crap. And I just found out about my other friend liking my other friends ex and they might go out again. crap. woah... its like... all coming out at once. Why is it that once I'm getting to a good point with my emotions everyone else is heading in a downward spiral? wtf mate? 

In other news. The show on friday... Chiodos, Silverstien (I mean.. I'm soming to see silverstein. lol... freakin krystal!), ESCAPE THE FATE, alesana, and a skylite drive. woah... awesome!!!!! like.. AHHHHHH!!!! AFter the show... I met craig owens! =O He hugged me!!! It was freakin awesome! And then we met Craig Mabbit?! he was drunk, high. smoking and it was amazing! His girlfriend is so nice! and so pretty to! =) He signed my dollar! ok.. no more bragging... sorry guys. I had to tell someone! anyone!

uhhh... idk what else to say... lol

-Ana

Like the brightest star you shine through!

Woah... I just found some stuff out. WOAH. That was a shocker... I mean... she... he... I thought she... hated him. and now.... and since 7th grade? and he went out her in one year. andfriend like... 5 times  she just sat there, and said nothing. it makes so much since. but.. woah. I honestly never thought that would ever happen. No wonder she  acts all weird. No wonder every time I called her, which was a lot, in a frantic panic she knew exaclty what to say to calm me down. No wonder she got all awkward when we teased them about flirting... crap. And I just found out about my other friend liking my other friends ex and they might go out again. crap. woah... its like... all coming out at once. Why is it that once I'm getting to a good point with my emotions everyone else is heading in a downward spiral? wtf mate? 

In other news. The show on friday... Chiodos, Silverstien (I mean.. I'm soming to see silverstein. lol... freakin krystal!), ESCAPE THE FATE, alesana, and a skylite drive. woah... awesome!!!!! like.. AHHHHHH!!!! AFter the show... I met craig owens! =O He hugged me!!! It was freakin awesome! And then we met Craig Mabbit?! he was drunk, high. smoking and it was amazing! His girlfriend is so nice! and so pretty to! =) He signed my dollar! ok.. no more bragging... sorry guys. I had to tell someone! anyone!

uhhh... idk what else to say... lol

-Ana

Like the brightest star you shine through!

Woah... I just found some stuff out. WOAH. That was a shocker... I mean... she... he... I thought she... hated him. and now.... and since 7th grade? and he went out her in one year. andfriend like... 5 times  she just sat there, and said nothing. it makes so much since. but.. woah. I honestly never thought that would ever happen. No wonder she  acts all weird. No wonder every time I called her, which was a lot, in a frantic panic she knew exaclty what to say to calm me down. No wonder she got all awkward when we teased them about flirting... crap. And I just found out about my other friend liking my other friends ex and they might go out again. crap. woah... its like... all coming out at once. Why is it that once I'm getting to a good point with my emotions everyone else is heading in a downward spiral? wtf mate? 

In other news. The show on friday... Chiodos, Silverstien (I mean.. I'm soming to see silverstein. lol... freakin krystal!), ESCAPE THE FATE, alesana, and a skylite drive. woah... awesome!!!!! like.. AHHHHHH!!!! AFter the show... I met craig owens! =O He hugged me!!! It was freakin awesome! And then we met Craig Mabbit?! he was drunk, high. smoking and it was amazing! His girlfriend is so nice! and so pretty to! =) He signed my dollar! ok.. no more bragging... sorry guys. I had to tell someone! anyone!

uhhh... idk what else to say... lol

-Ana

This weekend has been pretty awesome!!!!

Friday I finally let everything that was going through my brain out... it took 3 and a half hours and three pages.. but I said it all. And I thank god the reaction was how it was. I was terrified that I'd have to leave.. for good. But apperently that would leave certain people helpless and I would never do that if it caused such problems. We can actually go back to being close again. I know what I have to work on and he know what he has to work on. I'm so realived... It feels like a HUGE weight has been lifted... if only everyone was as happy as me.

 It kills me to be around those type of people, they bring everyones mood down. And those people just so happen to be EVERYONE I'm around with one exception. It sucks because your so helpless when your witnessing your closest friends fighting and theres nothing you can do. You know exactly what both of them are thinking because you've had conversations with both of them and know exaclty what the problem is but.. you know they aren;t ready to hear the solution. becasue you know they can't handle it. Which explains why I was walking the streets for a 40 minutes friday night. god... I wish they would stop. And then theres the ones who do it for attention... god, I love her, shes one of my best friends since 7th grade but, she does it to herself. and for all the wrong reasons. I just wish she could let the past stay in the past. So things aren't working out so great. She telling me everything and I know her situation. I've gone through worse then that, she knows it to, yet she insist that her life is so terrible. She doesn't realize how good she has it. She needs to open her eyes and see how many people love her and are there for her. And over a guy? Damn... I can't say I would react the same way but not for THAT long. I would have realized how stupid it was but then... If only she could. UGH!!! I HATE DOWNERS!!!!! THEY SUCK!!!! ...give me a break...

Today was awesome!!! I got my new ipod nano!!!! To write love on her arms. & Eyes set to kill cd!!! YAY!!!!

 Now that I'm happy everyones all  blah... You know what... I'm never happy anymore, and I hate that. I just wanna go back to 8th grade... the best yet most horrible year ever but my friends and I had the best time. getting kicked out of craft stores(hahaha... those sword things where fun), having random study sessions at starbucks, walking aroung colton (taco stand?), staying afterschool everyday  and running aroung the school with access to the band room (ASB was awesome!!! memories), having an awesome time in algebra with miles (hahaha... we were SOOOO loud and passed SOOO many notes but NEVER got caught...), random phone call conversatons that ended at 4 in the morning (although he was the one person that made 8th grade year horrible... Romman... I wish I could say I hated you.), that was the year I met my fav. band (escape the fate, I love you always and forever.), Thats also the year I found my voice (I won't take your shit, you'll be hearing from me if you haven't already), Bonny and Clyde (hahahahahahahahahahahaha... inside joke), and randomly going to bishops house ( SOMEBODY HOLD MY MUSKET!!!!! ITS A GIANT COCK!!!! hahahahahha...). Yup. *th grade year was the best.   

It breaks my heart to see you crying kid.. it really does... espeically on a night that should be all yours.

The fact of the matter is that I'm a bitch... I know exactly what I'm doing... Yet, I don't stop or care much until I realize what I've done and feel like shit... I can't help how I feel but I can help how I act. Or at least, I can try to hide it. All I have to do is make a face and there he is. No, I can't just ignore it. I have to get my attention. Which is fucked up because I know I'll get it not to mention the fact that I have him there all the time vs. her who never gets to talk to him other then online. I'm told that I shouldn't feel guilty for getting what I want. I'm told he would never do that to me so I shouldn't worry. But I'm never told that I'm being a selfish bitch who needs to back the fuck off... I kinda wish someone would tell me that.Although, I probably wouldn't listen to them and theres a chance that Someone might get punched... oops. Ugh! I know for a fact he would never do anything like that. Which makes me feel bad... Anyone remeber those bulletins I posted during summer. Those where ALL about him... And now I know how salina feels. The only reason he won't do anything is because of me. Among other things and other people telling him he's an ass. Which he's not. And it really does piss me off that people insist he is. I am extremely hard on myself. Probably harder then I should be but I can't help but feel like shit for what I do. I never get what I want. NEVER. And now that I am, or at least semi, its horrible. I can't let go. I just can't. I've only known the kid for.. 3 years? Yet I feel as though I've known him forever. When I'm with him theres no worries. He understands me. We can have a conversation and he gets me. I get him. We get eachother. We think alike. I just wanna be there for him. Which I am, but I want more. ugh... Best friend. How that word stings everytime it leaves his lips. But, its better then nothing right? Except the telling eachother everything part... Thats fucked up some nights. But it has made us closer.

So I guess my point is.. I'm a horrible person. BUT, I'm going to stop feeling guilty for things I can't control. But I AM going to control my reactions to things I dont li... hate. Lets just have fun! Take the world by storm. Stop feeling guitly for what I do have. Cause I'm never letting go. I can promise you that. As long as he's here, I honestly could care less what happens. I just have to come to terms witht the fact that even I have to admitt that anything other then friendship would completey fuck with what we have. And trust me, what we do have is the most amazing thing ever. I love him. He loves me. It may not be in the way I want but its something. right? But then again its only a matter of time.    

Smother me by the used... I can't take it of of repeat... Oh! An velcro by single file... thats one to!!! I hate finding out stuff.. I could have lived a long time without knowing that! Its not a bad thing... DEFINALTY not a bad thing but.. ugh... more people get invovled everyday...

=/

just my luck

-Ana

is it so hard to just let go? ... I know exaclty whats going on in his head... and he knows exaclty whats going on in mine... Sometimes I wish we never got so close. It would definalty be easier... Why does he have to care so much? Why can't I just get go? Why does this have to be so difficult? Why don't I have the courage to just talk about it? oh yea... thats right. I have a fucking break down everytime it crosses my mind... So basicly everyones fucked... and its my fault... Wonderful Ana... You've managed to completely fuck everything up... again. You'd think I'd get use to it by now. Always the friend... nothing else. Its just... I've never had someone care SO damn much... On one hand. Its kinda cool cause.. well... he's not an ass! But on the other hand... I'm stopping two people from being happy.... together. I knew I'd have to face this sooner or later... I just never thought it'd come so soon...

Once again ana... great job on messing everything up. Great job...

-Ana

Was pretty fun! I got bitten... ouch! I got laughed at... for a good reason. I got jealous... I'm stupid. I got over it... for now.  BUT I will admitt we have to go hang out again... it was fuckin funny! Just NO MORE KRYSTALS COUSIN! She scares me... ehh... haha.

I really am shocked at what he's capable of... and I feel bad for it... He knows me TO well. Honestly.. its creepy. We're TO much alike... I hate it...

grrrrrr... I have homework! hmm.. I think I'll have some cheetos a glass of tea and pass out. Sounds nice.

Hopefully tomorrow will be as fun! can't wait!

"You left me on the side of the room and now I've got no place to go"... *sighs* ... =/

-Ana

The one place that when thought of, was the most beautiful place I could think of, has now become my worst nightmare. I can handle a few cities... but a state away? We're needed more then ever...

-Ana

Well, I had my first offical break-down friday, caused by a interesting conversation with him thursday night. I have a way of making people feel like shit without meaning to... It great! when you want them to feel like shit... otherwise... I feel like shit. I'm a bitch... I should have known better then to ask THAT question... I got my answer. unfortunalty.. I knew it was true... I just didn't want to admit it to myself. She's better then me anyways... He deserves to be happy, espically with all the shit he's going through right now. We still have our friendship.. I'm still his squishy? Ugh... I'm doing this to myself, I know I am... I'm in to deep. fuck...

=/

-Ana

" dont want to go out with her
for the same damn reason i didnt want to with you"

well... I found out why he won't go out with me... Don't ask how I got that..  BUT I got it.

Shit...

-Ana

20 seconds of a new song? Thats it!!! NOOOO WE WANT MORE!!!!

So mean....

grrrr

-Ana